Why We Should Teach Our Kids Not to Keep Secrets (Part one)

 

As parents, we often tell our children to “be good” and “listen,” but one message we sometimes overlook that can profoundly affect their safety and emotional wellbeing, is the difference between surprises and secrets.

Teaching kids not to keep secrets isn’t about encouraging them to ‘tattle’ on everything. It’s about helping them understand that they should never feel pressured to hide something that makes them uncomfortable, scared, or confused.

Here’s why this lesson matters more than we may realise.

1. Secrets Create Vulnerability

Most harmful situations involving children whether it be bullying, inappropriate behaviours, or unsafe interactions, start with secrecy.

Children who believe they must keep secrets are more vulnerable because:

• They may think they’ll get in trouble if they tell.
• They may worry about disappointing someone they trust.
• They don’t yet have the life experience to judge what’s safe or unsafe.

By teaching them early that “We don’t keep secrets—ever” we remove a common tool used by people who might try to manipulate or harm them.

2. “Surprises” Are Healthy but “Secrets” Are Not

The language we use shapes the way children think.

A helpful distinction:

• Surprises are temporary and happy, like a birthday gift or a special outing. They’re revealed soon and make everyone feel good.
• Secrets are meant to be kept indefinitely usually for someone else’s benefit, and can make a child feel uneasy or pressured.

By using the word “surprise” for positive, time-limited situations, we avoid normalising secrecy and give kids a clear rule they can follow confidently.

3. Openness Builds Emotional Safety

Children thrive when they know they can talk to trusted adults about anything. When we reinforce messages like:

• “You can always tell me anything.”
• “I will never be upset if you tell me the truth.”
• “It’s my job to keep you safe.”

…we’re building a foundation of emotional security. Just be sure that you follow up on these promises as it’s easy to get caught up in a ‘moment’ and react instead of taking the time to respond in a positive way.

Kids who feel safe talking to adults are far more likely to speak up about:

• Bullying
• Unsafe touch
• Online interactions that feel wrong
• Peer pressure
• Confusing feelings

This kind of openness doesn’t just prevent harm. It builds resilience.