Can Our Words Unintentionally Undermine Body Safety?

Body safety isn't just about teaching children what to do when something goes wrong.
It's about the everyday messages we give them about their bodies, their boundaries, their voices and their right to say NO. Our children need to know that being polite is never more important than being safe and comfortable!

Here are five situations, that might have the unintentional effect of undermining their confidence and sense of bodily autonomy:

1. “Give Nan a kiss. Don’t be rude!”
Growing up I remember times when I was encouraged to give someone a kiss or a hug even though I didn’t want to. There was one particular person who I really had a ‘yucky’ feeling around. When we ‘force’ them to show affection to someone that they don’t feel comfortable around, we are teaching them that their feelings don’t matter. They might interpret this as: keeping an adult happy is more important than their own bodily boundaries.
Instead we can say to our child: “You can choose how you greet someone. Would you like a hug, a high five, or just to say hello?”
We can also back them up with ‘we are teaching ‘name’ that she is the boss of her body. She has the right to say no if she doesn’t feel like kissing or hugging today.’

2. “You have to do what adults tell you.”
A lot has changed in recent years around parenting. Many of the older generations were brought up with rules around parent and child interactions. As a child I was taught to ‘do as I was told’ as were many others. Even if we disagreed, we were not allowed to argue or have a different point of view.
This might lead a child to believe that they must obey an adult, even when something feels wrong.
If we are teaching our children protective behaviours, they must be able to recognise that sometimes they ‘should not’ do as they are told, particularly when there might be secrets involved.
Instead we can say: “You can always say NO to something that makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, even when an adult asks.” Empower them by allowing them a voice.

3. “You must never keep secrets from Mummy and Daddy!”
Although well-intentioned, this statement can leave children unsure what to do if someone does threaten them or make them promise to keep a secret.
Instead, we can share a far more positive message: “You can ALWAYS tell me anything. Even if someone tells you not to, or says you’ll get into trouble.” “You will never be in trouble for telling me about something that feels wrong, or scared you or made you feel uncomfortable.”

We can also help children identify their safe people and talk about how to recognise who is safe. This is an important message included in Secret or Surprise, along with recognising unsafe people and behaviours. The book reinforces a reassuring message: some secrets should always be told.

4. “Don’t make a fuss. They’re only playing!”
Have you ever been tickled and just wanted it to stop? Maybe it didn’t feel good, or the person doing it was making you feel uncomfortable? Using the language in this example can teach children to dismiss their discomfort and ignore their instincts. It’s teaching them again, that they have no control over what happens to their body.
Instead we can say: “If something doesn’t feel right to you, you can tell me. Your feelings matter, and I will listen.” “You have the right to tell someone NO. STOP IT. I DON’T LIKE THAT”

5. “Give them a hug. They’ll be upset if you don’t.”
This statement immediately puts another person’s feelings ahead of a child’s right to choose who touches their body. For example, we might say, “I’ll be sad if I don’t get a hug.” Even when said affectionately, this can make a child feel responsible for an adult’s feelings.
Instead we might say: “You are never responsible for making someone else happy by allowing touch you don’t want! It’s ok to say NO”

We don’t mean to imply that parents are doing something wrong, but we can all make small changes in our everyday language, that will help children develop stronger boundaries, recognise unsafe behaviour and feel confident speaking up.

We created Secret or Surprise to help families start these important conversations and empower children with body safety knowledge.
Because education is protection, and ‘some secrets should ALWAYS be told.’

You will find our body safety book for 4-10 year olds right here at Secret or Surprise along with our ‘Brave’ poster to complement the book and reinforce the important beliefs:
I am Brave
I am Strong
I am Loved
Because that’s what we all want our children to know