5 Things to Teach Your Child About Body Safety Without Creating Fear

Because protecting our children starts with education, connection and trust, not fear.

As parents and carers, one of our biggest responsibilities is helping our children feel safe in the world. But when it comes to body safety and preventing child sexual abuse, it can be difficult to know where to begin.

How do we teach our children to recognise unsafe behaviours without making them afraid of the people around them?
How do we empower them to speak up without making them feel that the world is a dangerous place?

The answer is to teach body safety as a normal part of growing up, just like road safety, water safety and learning to look after ourselves.

Children don't need to be frightened to be protected. They need knowledge, age-appropriate conversations and the confidence to know that the adults who love them will listen and help.

Here are five important things you can teach your child to help them develop body safety skills without creating unnecessary fear.

1. Teach them that their body belongs to them

One of the most important messages a child can learn is that their body belongs to them, and they have a right to feel safe.

From an early age, we can teach children that they have a voice when it comes to their bodies. This means encouraging them to say no to unwanted touch, helping them understand personal boundaries and respecting their boundaries when they express discomfort.

It also means avoiding the expectation that children must hug, kiss or sit on the lap of a relative simply because that person wants them to. You might say something like ‘If you don’t feel like a hug that’s ok.” If they’d like to, they can offer a high five, a fist bump or a wave. These everyday interactions teach children that their feelings and boundaries matter.

When children learn that their bodies deserve respect, they begin to understand that they can speak up when something doesn't feel right.

Body autonomy doesn't mean children get to make every decision though. Adults still need to keep children safe, but we can do so while respecting their bodies and helping them understand why certain boundaries exist.

2. Teach them the correct names for their body parts

It may feel uncomfortable at first, but teaching children the correct anatomical names for their body parts, including their private parts, is an important part of body safety education. Use words such as penis, vulva, vagina, breasts and buttocks in an age-appropriate way. They are not shameful; they are anatomically correct names for our body parts, just like legs or hands.

Children need to understand that their bodies are natural; we all have one, that they can ask questions and that they never need to feel embarrassed about talking to a trusted adult about them. Using correct anatomical language also gives children the words they need to describe an experience or explain what has happened to them.
We cannot expect children to speak up about something they don't have the words to describe.

Don’t make it feel serious or uncomfortable, simply use the correct words naturally during everyday moments, such as getting dressed, bathing or answering questions about their bodies. The more comfortable we are using these words, the more comfortable our children are likely to become using them, too. If you haven’t started using these words, begin using them now.

3. Teach them that safe people are identified by their behaviour, not just their relationship to us

This is an important conversation, and one that can be approached without making children suspicious of everyone around them. We often teach children to be careful around strangers, but unsafe behaviour can also come from someone a child knows, loves or trusts. This is an important message that Secret or Surprise introduces in a supportive and loving way.

Instead of trying to tell them WHO it might be, help them to recognise behaviours that cross boundaries.

For example, someone might ask them to keep a secret about touching, make them feel uncomfortable by ignoring their boundaries, or ask them to touch their private parts. They might be threatened with something bad if they tell, or refuse to hide something from parents or other safe adults.

They need to know that if something makes them feel uncomfortable, confused, worried or unsafe, they can always come to you.

“…her mum taught her that you always tell a safe person, especially if the person tells you not to, and if the secret makes you feel unhappy or scared.” (Secret or Surprise)

You could say, "Most people want to help keep children safe. But if anyone asks you to do something that makes you uncomfortable, or tells you to keep something about touching a secret, you can always tell me. You won't be in trouble, and I will listen."

4. Teach them the difference between secrets and surprises

This is one of the simplest and most valuable conversations you can have with your child. Most children love surprises. A birthday present, a special celebration or a handmade gift can be exciting to keep quiet about for a little while.
As opposed to surprises, secrets can be used to make children feel confused, frightened or trapped and must be kept indefinitely.

This quote shows how the transition from secret to surprise begins in Secret or Surprise.
“Today was mum’s birthday, so I made a bracelet to give to her! I wanted to tell Mum but Dad said if I kept it a secret it would make a wonderful surprise.” (SOS)

Surprises are happy things that are shared eventually. Unsafe secrets are things someone tells a child to hide, especially when they involve bodies, touching, threats or uncomfortable feelings.

• A surprise: "I made mum a bracelet and it’s a surprise, so I can’t tell her yet!"
• An unsafe secret: "Don't tell Mum what happened when we were alone, or you'll be in lots of trouble."

Let your child know that even if someone they love asks them to keep an unsafe secret, they can always tell you or another trusted adult. And children should never feel that they have done something wrong by telling.

Reassure them regularly: "You can tell me anything, even if someone tells you not to. Even if you think I might be upset. Even if you've been told you'll get into trouble. I will listen and help you."

Sometimes, a story can open the door to a conversation that feels difficult to begin.
This is the value of Secret or Surprise. This children's picture book helps parents, carers and educators introduce important conversations about body boundaries, recognising unsafe behaviours, identifying safe people and understanding why some secrets should always be told.

5. Teach them that they can always speak up and will be listened to

Most importantly, they need to believe that the adults in their lives will listen to them. We can teach children all the body safety rules in the world, but they also need to know what to do if someone crosses a boundary. Teach your child that they can tell you if something feels wrong, even if they cannot explain exactly why.

Help them understand that they can use words such as:

• "No!"
• "Stop!"
• "I don't like that."
• "I feel uncomfortable."
• "I need help."

But remember, children may not always be able to say no or physically move away when they feel frightened, confused or pressured. They might freeze, comply or struggle to find the words.
Our responsibility is to make sure children know they can tell a trusted adult about anything that worries them, and that they will be believed, supported and protected.
Children need to know that speaking up is safe, even when the person they are concerned about is someone they know.

You can reinforce these messages through everyday conversations:

"If anyone ever makes you feel uncomfortable, you can tell me. Even if you love that person. Even if they are part of our family. Even if you were told to keep it a secret. You will never be in trouble for telling me about something that worries you."

When your child shares something difficult, stay as calm as you can, listen without blame and take their concerns seriously.

If a child discloses possible abuse, reassure them that they did the right thing by telling, avoid interrogating them for details and seek appropriate professional support.

Secret Or Surprise helps families and educators start important conversations with children about secrets, surprises and asking for help. Through gentle storytelling and Australian animal characters, it encourages children to recognise their feelings and talk to a trusted adult when something doesn’t feel right. Discover the Secret Or Surprise book on our website.